RubyRed

Hey buddies…Sorry I haven’t been on lately but life has been hectic. My cousin’s husband was robbed and shot while he was jogging so we have been at the hospital with him. He’s back home now but things are still not good. They were not able to take the bullet out because of where it got lodged…near his heart. So we are just praying it doesn’t travel on its own cause there won’t be much they can do about it.

I’ve just been a wreck…life seems to be tumbling down around my feet…bills are stacking up, my husbands hours were cut, and I feel like I’m not making much progress with losing weight. My best friend decided she didn’t want to be friends anymore because now that she’s losing weight ( she takes shots weekly to reduce her appetite and pills as well and she has had gastrobypass surgery) and I’m not progressing as fast as her cause I don’t want to take anything or do anything to myself that isn’t healthy for me, she says we are just moving in different directions. I’m not against her doing these things for herself, I just wish she would understand I don’t want to do them myself. She just has herself to worry about but I have my baby and my husband to care for so if something happens to me because of those things then they will be without me. I guess I’m just feeling really alone right now…a little sad.

Hi all my wonderful buddies! I have been under the weather and decided to drag my butt to the computer to let you know that I am thinking of you all and hope life is treating you with love and care. I am so bummed that I got sick. I just started working out and now this is going to set me back. It’s funny how you can feel the difference in your body when you don’t exercise. The day after I started my routine, I felt alive and vibrant! Since I have been down, I feel like a blob and so limp. Can’t wait to get better and to find out how everyone is doing

I don’t know what I was thinking yesterday when I got it into my brain that it would be a good idea if I told my husband exactly how much I weighed. There was always a certain amount of comfort knowing that he was oblivious to how much I really did weigh. I love my husband dearly but when it comes to me and how I look…he’s got blinders on. I knew this was the reason why he always blows me off when I tell him I need to lose weight or that I am getting heavy. He just doesn’t see it with his eyes. So I thought, well if he doesn’t see it then maybe he can wrap his brain around a number, something concrete. So we were sitting down together and I was once again tryng to motivate him to go out walking with me or take the baby to the park together so I can work out while they are playing (usually it’s just me with the baby) and he was just nodding his head like usual, not really paying me much mind. Then I hit him with the bombshell. “Did you know I am already up to 175,” I asked him. The look on his face and the stumbling for words was enough for tears to start streaming down my face. I can feel the tears start to come even now. He finally managed to say…unbelievable. I said what’s unbelievable. And he went on to tell me how by looking at me, he doesn’t see me that way and that now he understands how I have been feeling. The day before yesterday, we were in the store and I saw a treadmill that I wanted to get and he always says some remark that makes me not want to buy it. The time before that, it was a stepper then it was an eliptical machine and weights. The neighborhood that I live in isn’t safe for me to be walking around by myself so if he won’t go with me then I am going to have to purchase a machine to help me get moving. He always said it was a waste of money because we really can’t afford anything other than the basics and sometimes not even that. To me though, it didn’t seem like a waste of money. I know some of you are already saying, “Well, a 175 pounds isn’t that bad.” But when you are a 5 foot 2 inch woman where practically everyone in your family has either died of a heartattack, stroke or has diabetes and your the only one so far who hasn’t gotten some illness, every little pound counts. That kind of weight on my frame just hurts, ya know. It really hurts. My back, my knees, even my stomach from the stress hurts.

Well any way, back to my grand idea about letting my husband in on the secret identity his wife had. After the shock wore off, me sitting there bawling my eyes out because now he knew how fat his wife is, he told me he was an ass. He said he had been a jerk for not supporting me, not listening, he even remembered all the times we went to the store and how he shot down my ideas for getting fit. And he told me, today we were all going to start working out together. Is it Christmas already? ‘Cause I feel like I just got the best present ever!

Happy Monday Everyone! Today I feel like a new person. Maybe a little more confident or assured that I can do this? I have to tell you…I am scared to death. But I am excited as well and I think that excitement is what’s gonna keep me on track. I am so happy I found this place. So far I have been pretty much alone on my weight loss journey. The people in my life just aren’t in the same place as me. I have a wonderful husband who is supportive, caring and tells me constantly that I don’t need to lose weight. But yet I sit here 60 pounds heavier than when we first met and getting bigger as time rolls on. I know he loves me and that he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings by admitting that I don’t look the same as before but his acceptance of me gaining the weight only makes me lazier and complacent with how I look and feel. He himself is stick thin and doesn’t really do any physical activities so when I say let’s go to the park or let’s start working out together, he just kind of blows me off.  Pretty much everyone else from family members to friends either don’t really want to lose weight or they will start with me but eventually drop out of the race. It only makes me want to give up faster.

So I woke up yesterday morning, tired of being tired, sick of being critical about myself, and I took a real good look in the mirror. And of course I didn’t like what I saw. It wasn’t so much that I am heavier and that my already naturally round face looks chunky that bothered me so much. This I already new! What really made me sad was the fact that you could see that sadness shining back at me through my eyes. I have never seen them look so defeated or disappointed. That’s when I knew something needed to be done. I should be on top of the world. I have a beautiful, healthy 2 year old baby boy named Aidan who is the love of my life, a roof over my head, dreams and goals and a wonderful husband. And there I was letting depression over my weight overshadow all the beauty around me. I felt like I lost myself but now I have a chance to get me back and I’m gonna take it. No pressure, no deprivation, no self hate. Just love and finally…support.